Three Warning Signs You’re Working With a Bloodsucker

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8 Ways to Spot a Vampire at Work

We all know vampires working among us–those people who suck your will to live on a daily basis with their corporate speak, drama, passive aggressiveness, tantrums, backstabbing, or gossip. These are the monsters who regularly ruin your day, sending you into the arms of your friends Jim Beam, Jack Daniels, and Jose Cuervo for comfort.

But what if these workplace tormentors are more than metaphorical bloodsuckers? What if they’re actual vampires? They work among us, and knowing how to spot and out these creatures can save you from a nasty bite.

Aside from a pale complexion and general creepiness, most vamps are pros at concealing their nefarious nature. However, there are always warning signs. If a coworker displays any of the following, you might be working with a bloodsucker:

  1. Resumé dates back over 100 years. Steer clear of coworkers who say they’ve been with the company “forever.”
  2. Has a FABULOUS cape collection. I find anyone who owns one cape to be suspicious, but an entire cape collection is like waving a giant red “I’m a vampire” flag.
  3. Still smokes. Being undead does have its advantages. At the end of a hard day, you can fearlessly light up and take a nice long suck on your favorite brand of cancer stick.
  4. Always volunteers for the night shift. Classic bloodsucker move. Although with enough sunscreen and the right clothing, vampires have no problem being out during the daylight hours, their natural time is the night.
  5. Uses hypnotic vampirey stare on boss to avoid bad assignments, overtime, and other unpleasant tasks. Vampires hate overtime and grunt work and regularly use their special powers of hypnosis on the boss to avoid jobs that offend their keen sensibilities.
  6. Friends call him or her “maastah.” You’d think 21st century neck-nibblers would have come up with a more modern way for their minions to address them, but many are still stuck in their old school ways.
  7. Invites you over for brunch and offers you a bloody mary–made with real blood. This sign really seals the deal. Run for your life before you become the main course.
  8. Needs to be formally invited into your office. While some vampire rules–like going out in the day–are flexible, jugular-jabbers still need a formal invitation into private spaces.

Protect yourself from workplace vampires and exercise your “punny” bone by unearthing the monstrously hilarious secret code words to OUT and RID yourself of pasty parasites before they can sink their teeth into you. Get your copy of Your Guide to Spotting and Outing Bloodsuckers at Work today!

How to Take Charge of Vampire Problems at Work

We live in a world where there are real monsters. Serial killers, suicide bombers, rapists, pedophiles, dognappers, bad drivers—the list is endless. To make us feel better about the real monsters, we make up monster stories—always giving the monster an Achilles heel that can be used to stop their reign of terror. Werewolves are brought down by silver bullets. Zombies lose their appetite when decapitated. Vampires bite the dust when staked through the heart. These stories give us a sense of control amidst the chaos of life’s realities.

The world of work is confusing and chaotic, too. Job security is a thing of the past. Downsizing and outsourcing are constant threats. Not to mention multiple forms of discrimination. And even if you’re lucky enough not to be affected by any of these things, you might have noticed that the workplace is steadily losing its “humanness.” Email and instant messaging have replaced actual conversation. Conference calls have replaced collaboration. Cubicles have replaced offices. Smart phones have replaced actual intelligence.

“Our dynamically aligned, cross-functional teams, are 24/7, pedal to the metal, and switched on. They use out of the box thinking to pick the low-hanging fruit that moves the needle so we can pull the trigger on empowerment.”

People are increasingly viewed as commodities. For many years Scott Adams’ Dilbert cartoons have cleverly highlighted the irony of the dehumanization of IT workers—whose job it is to automate transactions once done by people—who now find themselves disposable.

All of this dehumanization makes sense if you’ve got vampires steering the ship! Like Dilbert, Your Guide to Spotting and Outing Bloodsuckers at Work uses humor to expose and poke fun at serious issues. And like all good monster stories, the book gives readers a way to take control of the situation. In this case, you simply unleash a monstrously bad pun—the secret code word that is to vampires what kryptonite is to Superman—and order is restored.

They work among us. Get them off your neck and out of your life by learning the secret code word that will out the vampire in your life—leaving the monster writhing in agony and keeping it away from you for good.