Six Bloodsucking Personality Types

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How to Take Charge of Vampire Problems at Work

We live in a world where there are real monsters. Serial killers, suicide bombers, rapists, pedophiles, dognappers, bad drivers—the list is endless. To make us feel better about the real monsters, we make up monster stories—always giving the monster an Achilles heel that can be used to stop their reign of terror. Werewolves are brought down by silver bullets. Zombies lose their appetite when decapitated. Vampires bite the dust when staked through the heart. These stories give us a sense of control amidst the chaos of life’s realities.

The world of work is confusing and chaotic, too. Job security is a thing of the past. Downsizing and outsourcing are constant threats. Not to mention multiple forms of discrimination. And even if you’re lucky enough not to be affected by any of these things, you might have noticed that the workplace is steadily losing its “humanness.” Email and instant messaging have replaced actual conversation. Conference calls have replaced collaboration. Cubicles have replaced offices. Smart phones have replaced actual intelligence.

“Our dynamically aligned, cross-functional teams, are 24/7, pedal to the metal, and switched on. They use out of the box thinking to pick the low-hanging fruit that moves the needle so we can pull the trigger on empowerment.”

People are increasingly viewed as commodities. For many years Scott Adams’ Dilbert cartoons have cleverly highlighted the irony of the dehumanization of IT workers—whose job it is to automate transactions once done by people—who now find themselves disposable.

All of this dehumanization makes sense if you’ve got vampires steering the ship! Like Dilbert, Your Guide to Spotting and Outing Bloodsuckers at Work uses humor to expose and poke fun at serious issues. And like all good monster stories, the book gives readers a way to take control of the situation. In this case, you simply unleash a monstrously bad pun—the secret code word that is to vampires what kryptonite is to Superman—and order is restored.

They work among us. Get them off your neck and out of your life by learning the secret code word that will out the vampire in your life—leaving the monster writhing in agony and keeping it away from you for good.

Get Rid of Vampires at Work Once and For All

The idea for Bloodsuckers at Work started as a game my husband and I would play to pass time on long car rides or waiting in lines. We’d each try to come up with a name for a vampire that rhymes with Dracula that describes the vampire. For example, what do you call a vampire who drinks beer? Count Sixpackula. What do you call a vampire who rides horses? Count Horsebackula.

Stupid? Check. Fun? Double check. (Add alcohol and it gets even more fun.) Over the years, we played the game with friends and family. No matter who we played it with, people would always come up with their own bad Dracula puns. (You’re probably thinking of some right now, aren’t you?) Eventually, I started writing them down and before long I had an extensive Dracula puns. (Every girl’s dream, right?) For years, they did nothing but sit in a drawer. From time to time, I’d dust them off and look at them, but didn’t know what to do with them.

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Fast forward ten years. I stumble on an article about emotional vampires at work. I thought what if bloodsuckers really do work among us? Not just those of the emotional variety, but actual pointy-toothed neck-nibblers.  I realized that almost anyone—from your boss and coworkers to your doctor or plumber—could be a jugular-jabber. Suddenly, the mission for that long neglected list of puns was clear.

I teamed up with the most amazing graphic designer and illustrator I’ve ever met, Heather Harwood, and before long we had created the definitive guide to spotting and outing pesky parasites at work.

Now anyone can protect themselves from pesky parasites by unleashing the secret code word—a monstrously bad Dracula pun. The puns are such an affront to the vampires’ refined senses that once unleashed, the vampire is forced to drop his human façade and reveal all manner of vampireyness.

This list of puns in the book is as complete
 as our lack of imagination and good taste allows. Keep in mind, though, that new bloodsuckers are popping out of the grave every day, branching out into new professions. For added protection, we created a plush toy ally to keep you safe no matter where you go. He’s not only adorably wicked, but he acts as vampire REPELLENT. One look at him, and the real fang-danglers will scram.

If you’re looking to avoid a nasty bite, I highly recommend you pick up a copy of Bloodsuckers at Work and the vampire plushy. Both are available on plushvamp.com.