8 Ways to Spot a Vampire at Work

We all know vampires working among us–those people who suck your will to live on a daily basis with their corporate speak, drama, passive aggressiveness, tantrums, backstabbing, or gossip. These are the monsters who regularly ruin your day, sending you into the arms of your friends Jim Beam, Jack Daniels, and Jose Cuervo for comfort.

But what if these workplace tormentors are more than metaphorical bloodsuckers? What if they’re actual vampires? They work among us, and knowing how to spot and out these creatures can save you from a nasty bite.

Aside from a pale complexion and general creepiness, most vamps are pros at concealing their nefarious nature. However, there are always warning signs. If a coworker displays any of the following, you might be working with a bloodsucker:

  1. Resumé dates back over 100 years. Steer clear of coworkers who say they’ve been with the company “forever.”
  2. Has a FABULOUS cape collection. I find anyone who owns one cape to be suspicious, but an entire cape collection is like waving a giant red “I’m a vampire” flag.
  3. Still smokes. Being undead does have its advantages. At the end of a hard day, you can fearlessly light up and take a nice long suck on your favorite brand of cancer stick.
  4. Always volunteers for the night shift. Classic bloodsucker move. Although with enough sunscreen and the right clothing, vampires have no problem being out during the daylight hours, their natural time is the night.
  5. Uses hypnotic vampirey stare on boss to avoid bad assignments, overtime, and other unpleasant tasks. Vampires hate overtime and grunt work and regularly use their special powers of hypnosis on the boss to avoid jobs that offend their keen sensibilities.
  6. Friends call him or her “maastah.” You’d think 21st century neck-nibblers would have come up with a more modern way for their minions to address them, but many are still stuck in their old school ways.
  7. Invites you over for brunch and offers you a bloody mary–made with real blood. This sign really seals the deal. Run for your life before you become the main course.
  8. Needs to be formally invited into your office. While some vampire rules–like going out in the day–are flexible, jugular-jabbers still need a formal invitation into private spaces.

Protect yourself from workplace vampires and exercise your “punny” bone by unearthing the monstrously hilarious secret code words to OUT and RID yourself of pasty parasites before they can sink their teeth into you. Get your copy of Your Guide to Spotting and Outing Bloodsuckers at Work today!

How to Take Charge of Vampire Problems at Work

We live in a world where there are real monsters. Serial killers, suicide bombers, rapists, pedophiles, dognappers, bad drivers—the list is endless. To make us feel better about the real monsters, we make up monster stories—always giving the monster an Achilles heel that can be used to stop their reign of terror. Werewolves are brought down by silver bullets. Zombies lose their appetite when decapitated. Vampires bite the dust when staked through the heart. These stories give us a sense of control amidst the chaos of life’s realities.

The world of work is confusing and chaotic, too. Job security is a thing of the past. Downsizing and outsourcing are constant threats. Not to mention multiple forms of discrimination. And even if you’re lucky enough not to be affected by any of these things, you might have noticed that the workplace is steadily losing its “humanness.” Email and instant messaging have replaced actual conversation. Conference calls have replaced collaboration. Cubicles have replaced offices. Smart phones have replaced actual intelligence.

“Our dynamically aligned, cross-functional teams, are 24/7, pedal to the metal, and switched on. They use out of the box thinking to pick the low-hanging fruit that moves the needle so we can pull the trigger on empowerment.”

People are increasingly viewed as commodities. For many years Scott Adams’ Dilbert cartoons have cleverly highlighted the irony of the dehumanization of IT workers—whose job it is to automate transactions once done by people—who now find themselves disposable.

All of this dehumanization makes sense if you’ve got vampires steering the ship! Like Dilbert, Your Guide to Spotting and Outing Bloodsuckers at Work uses humor to expose and poke fun at serious issues. And like all good monster stories, the book gives readers a way to take control of the situation. In this case, you simply unleash a monstrously bad pun—the secret code word that is to vampires what kryptonite is to Superman—and order is restored.

They work among us. Get them off your neck and out of your life by learning the secret code word that will out the vampire in your life—leaving the monster writhing in agony and keeping it away from you for good.

A Beach Weekend Vampire Style

IMG_0167Count Fastracula was feeling stressed. He needed a break from the daily vampire grind. We decided a quick trip up the coast would be the perfect distraction and just the thing to revive his undead spirit.

On our way to the beach we made a quick overnight stop in Solvang, CA (or as the Count calls it, Solfang). We arrived just in time to celebrate Danish Days. Although we’re not Danish, who can resist the lure of Viking horns.
We quickly settled into our hotel and went
off to explore the festivities. The Count even
crossed some things off his “to-do” list at
the candle shop where he stocked
up on lighting for the castle.

IMG_0163From there we surveyed the various vendor booths and food stands. All that walking made us both thirsty, so we visited the Solvang Brewing Company to drain a pint. In typical vampire fashion, the Count didn’t know when to stop drinking. Before long he started seeing double (or was that me?) and then embarrassed us both by passing out on the table. I carried him back to the hotel in my IMG_0165purse, poured him into his casket, and we called it a night.

After a quick shower the next morning, the Count was feeling like his undead self again, so we left Solfang and headed for the beach.

It was a glorious sunny day. Despite my protests, the Count insisted on sunbathing. Predictably, he started frying like back fat in an iron skillet. We relocated to a shady spot, which
we discovered was the perfect
vantage point to IMG_0179watch the elephant seals nap.

We decided to head back to the hotel. The Count insisted on stopping for “supplies,” which I now know is code for beer. I think the Count has a drinking problem. Or is it me?

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Get Rid of Vampires at Work Once and For All

The idea for Bloodsuckers at Work started as a game my husband and I would play to pass time on long car rides or waiting in lines. We’d each try to come up with a name for a vampire that rhymes with Dracula that describes the vampire. For example, what do you call a vampire who drinks beer? Count Sixpackula. What do you call a vampire who rides horses? Count Horsebackula.

Stupid? Check. Fun? Double check. (Add alcohol and it gets even more fun.) Over the years, we played the game with friends and family. No matter who we played it with, people would always come up with their own bad Dracula puns. (You’re probably thinking of some right now, aren’t you?) Eventually, I started writing them down and before long I had an extensive Dracula puns. (Every girl’s dream, right?) For years, they did nothing but sit in a drawer. From time to time, I’d dust them off and look at them, but didn’t know what to do with them.

IMG_0160

Fast forward ten years. I stumble on an article about emotional vampires at work. I thought what if bloodsuckers really do work among us? Not just those of the emotional variety, but actual pointy-toothed neck-nibblers.  I realized that almost anyone—from your boss and coworkers to your doctor or plumber—could be a jugular-jabber. Suddenly, the mission for that long neglected list of puns was clear.

I teamed up with the most amazing graphic designer and illustrator I’ve ever met, Heather Harwood, and before long we had created the definitive guide to spotting and outing pesky parasites at work.

Now anyone can protect themselves from pesky parasites by unleashing the secret code word—a monstrously bad Dracula pun. The puns are such an affront to the vampires’ refined senses that once unleashed, the vampire is forced to drop his human façade and reveal all manner of vampireyness.

This list of puns in the book is as complete
 as our lack of imagination and good taste allows. Keep in mind, though, that new bloodsuckers are popping out of the grave every day, branching out into new professions. For added protection, we created a plush toy ally to keep you safe no matter where you go. He’s not only adorably wicked, but he acts as vampire REPELLENT. One look at him, and the real fang-danglers will scram.

If you’re looking to avoid a nasty bite, I highly recommend you pick up a copy of Bloodsuckers at Work and the vampire plushy. Both are available on plushvamp.com.