Ode to Cat Vomit

Recently, my dear cat Rocky passed away at the ripe old cat age of 16. From early morning wake-up howls to peeing on my bed, he was a master of self-expression, particularly in his favorite medium–vomit. Inspired by the great Dr. Suess, this is for you old friend:

He puked on my bed
He puked on my head
I really wish he’d puked elsewhere, instead

He puked on the floor
He puked near the door
He puked and puked, till there is no more

He puked on the rug
He pukes up a bug
All the while looking quite smug

He puked on my nose
He puked on my toes
Yes, he even puked on my clothes

He puked on a chair
He puked in my hair
Basically, he puked everywhere

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Holiday Gifts for the Workplace Bloodsucker

Gifts-FBThey’ve tormented you all year, now it’s time for you to communicate your true feelings to your bloodsucking boss or coworker with one of these  holiday horrors!

  1. Porn
  2. Extension cord
  3. Coaching tapes about how to be successful at work (great for your boss)
  4. DNA test kit (great for single moms)
  5. Fish of the Month Club membership
  6. Adult diapers
  7. Framed picture of yourself
  8. Santa-themed lingerie or man-kini
  9. Branding iron
  10. Manila file folder (just one)
  11. Anything boasting “As Seen on TV” on the box
  12. Low-fat cookbook, workout DVD,  and/or scale
  13. Hotel soap, shampoo, and conditioner (especially from different hotels)
  14. Back hair shaver or nose hair trimmer
  15. Toilet seat
  16. Half a bottle of booze
  17. A book of etiquette
  18. Feminine hygiene products
  19. Grocery store gift card for $7.58
  20. Stretch mark cream

8 Ways to Spot a Vampire at Work

We all know vampires working among us–those people who suck your will to live on a daily basis with their corporate speak, drama, passive aggressiveness, tantrums, backstabbing, or gossip. These are the monsters who regularly ruin your day, sending you into the arms of your friends Jim Beam, Jack Daniels, and Jose Cuervo for comfort.

But what if these workplace tormentors are more than metaphorical bloodsuckers? What if they’re actual vampires? They work among us, and knowing how to spot and out these creatures can save you from a nasty bite.

Aside from a pale complexion and general creepiness, most vamps are pros at concealing their nefarious nature. However, there are always warning signs. If a coworker displays any of the following, you might be working with a bloodsucker:

  1. Resumé dates back over 100 years. Steer clear of coworkers who say they’ve been with the company “forever.”
  2. Has a FABULOUS cape collection. I find anyone who owns one cape to be suspicious, but an entire cape collection is like waving a giant red “I’m a vampire” flag.
  3. Still smokes. Being undead does have its advantages. At the end of a hard day, you can fearlessly light up and take a nice long suck on your favorite brand of cancer stick.
  4. Always volunteers for the night shift. Classic bloodsucker move. Although with enough sunscreen and the right clothing, vampires have no problem being out during the daylight hours, their natural time is the night.
  5. Uses hypnotic vampirey stare on boss to avoid bad assignments, overtime, and other unpleasant tasks. Vampires hate overtime and grunt work and regularly use their special powers of hypnosis on the boss to avoid jobs that offend their keen sensibilities.
  6. Friends call him or her “maastah.” You’d think 21st century neck-nibblers would have come up with a more modern way for their minions to address them, but many are still stuck in their old school ways.
  7. Invites you over for brunch and offers you a bloody mary–made with real blood. This sign really seals the deal. Run for your life before you become the main course.
  8. Needs to be formally invited into your office. While some vampire rules–like going out in the day–are flexible, jugular-jabbers still need a formal invitation into private spaces.

Protect yourself from workplace vampires and exercise your “punny” bone by unearthing the monstrously hilarious secret code words to OUT and RID yourself of pasty parasites before they can sink their teeth into you. Get your copy of Your Guide to Spotting and Outing Bloodsuckers at Work today!